JustMattHenry.com: gossip, life and humor

this was the plan: on friday March 19th mikey and i were to arrive at orlando airport approximately 10:30. from there, we were to board the magical express which would whisk us away to the disney world resort, specifically, the boardwalk inn.

once there, we would spend two days park hopping and eating at fancy restaurants. on sunday, the 21st, we would be picked up my mikey’s parents or sister or somebody who would take us from our resort to universal orlando studio park where we, along with mikey’s entire family, were to take part in a taping of the Ellen show.

unfortunately, i did not plan this trip. and also unfortunately, we were a week early for the ellen show taping as she was not due in orlando until the 28th. as in yesterday. somewhere in all the emails and text messages and phone calls, we were either told the wrong date or mikey heard the wrong date.

and no one thought to confirm any of these details so that we were all in orlando on the same day.

so no ellen. which is fine. mikey went back to orlando to spend time with his family and to attend the taping of the ellen show on the correct date (yesterday) and these were the guests: paige miles (cast off from Idol), sharon osbourne (ugh), and Usher (groan). so i didn’t really miss anything.

this is the view from our room. i liked the boardwalk inn because you can walk, in ten minutes, to both Epcot and Hollywood Studios. i want to live there.

our first stop was Hollywood Studios where they have on two decent rides really and since one of those rides is mikey’s favorite (and my most vomit inducing), the Tower of Terror. i have written about this torture device before, from the last trip, and while i only think it’s fair that i go on it with him, since i make him do all sorts of stuff he doesn’t want to do–like watch local news, go on road trips to boring places, and just, you know, generally hang out with me.

on our way to the tower of terror, we saw a gay pride parade:

there were approximately 800 high school senior class trips going on that weekend so the lines were sooooo long. there were just way too many people in general. i mean, last time we went during peak hurricane season, and that’s what we’ll do next time too. no more of this springtime spring break season. no ma’am.

i have a thing for spanish moss:

but as with everything Disney i question its realness. was it imagineered spanish moss or was it really growing there the way nature intended? i think it was imagineered.

mikey: “i can’t wait to spend an hour of my life waiting in the line for the tower of terror!”
me: “barf”

it’s so scary!!!! it’s a tower and it’s terrifying!!!! aaaaah!

when i remodel my living room it will look like this:

so the little girl that sat next to me on the ride dug her little croc shoe into my leg the entire duration of the ride. up down, up, up, down, up, down….i think i have a croc imprint on my calf. god i hate that ride.

then it was off to the magic kingdom, but you can’t just take a bus there, oh no, you have to go the transportation center, hop on the monorail which then takes you there. or you can go by boat but that takes like an hour and i just don’t have the time.

here’s me waiting for the monorail. i kept trying to give mikey the finger but he refused to take my picture since you can’t do that in disney world. he also said i couldn’t cuss, but fuck that.

ok, so here’s the thing about the magic kingdom. there were 9 million people there under the age of five. they actually had stroller parking lots:

to these assholes i say: if you have a child under the age of five, they are NOT going to remember this trip, so instead of taking up space in the park and in the lines with your crying baby, STAY HOME. put in a dvd of Finding Nemo. they won’t know the difference. seriously. your three year old ain’t gonna remember shit about this trip.

since every fun ride in the magic kingdom came with a waiting time of an hour and half, we went on the one ride that no one ever wants to go on (no, not Hall of Presidents): in tomorrow land there’s that blue train thing that goes around all the buildings and it’s slow and pointless so we went on that.

wheeeee!

it’s so fast! i’m scurred!

i’m actually surprised there weren’t more horny band geeks from the senior class trips because this is the best make out ride. they practically give you your own bed.

we walked back to the boardwalk inn and saw this bitch:

one day, i’m going to have a duck for a pet. and be warned, i took a lot of pictures of birds for some reason.

see? this dude walked right by me like i wasn’t even there.

then it was time for dinner and drinking and nightlife on the boardwalk!

morning hangover. agenda: animal kingdom! my favorite park!

another bird in the crocodile pit on the safari ride…ps we had the gayest game warden driving our tour vehicle. he was like, ” and if you look to the left, to left, everything you own in a box to the left…girl, i’m just kidding. that’s beyonce. no, if you look to the left, OMG, you will see an elephant and i don’t mean my ex boyfriend, m’kay?!”

so, here’s another bird, that actually wasn’t one of the birds in the exhibit. the african safari ride is over run with the big black buzzards. they were everywhere!

for some reason my hair cut looks made it look like i have a receding hairline. i don’t.

since we didn’t do it last time, we wanted to see the Bug’s Life movie that they show deep in the roots of the Tree of Life–that’s it in the background above. it was really cute, but there were a couple scary parts. mikey was scurred like a baby. even the baby next to him wasn’t as much of a baby as he was.

Flick from the movie:

actually, that wasn’t part of the movie, that was an animatronic giant ant. in the scarier parts of the experience, giant black widows dropped down from the ceiling and creepy crawlies poked you and sprayed on you.

next up, the Abominable Snowman roller coaster Everest thing. it’s in the background:

so i sort of did a bad thing on this roller coaster. i chose not to secure all loose items and instead filmed the ride. i think the girls in front of us thought i was filming them but i would too if somebody asked me to take my top off while holding a video camera.

and i think we’ll end there for today. up next is MY favorite ride Dinosaur! and our trip to epcot and West Palm Beach!