JustMattHenry.com: gossip, life and humor

so what can i say about my experience at Medieval Times? it was interesting. worth the money, i think. it was fun. but first things first:

mikey and i arrive and walk by the loading dock to the venue and see numerous cast members in costumes smoking on their break. now, most likely judging from the long hair, i would say they were probably smoking pot becuase i’m not sure how else to get through this job without being high. but…THEY BROKE THE FORTH WALL! the illusion is broken!

we meet my sister, her husband, cord and his other brother tony (different baby mama) at the entrance which is very much like disney world. thousands of kids. loads of gift shops and other outlets in which to spend money. as you are herded in, you get to take a family photo with the girl who was playing the princess. she was kind of bitchy and probably hated her job, but we took the photo anyway. now, unfortunately, i do not have a copy that i can share with you although i do have a physical copy of it. i will do my best to describe it.

a straight couple, a gay couple and two biracial boys. and a princess. now, none of us look great in this picture. i don’t know what in the sam hell happened, BUT…

my sister had a bit of crazy eye.
i looked enormous.
her husband looked like he just farted and was giggling to himself about it.
cord looked normal.
tony looked like he was two seconds away from putting a cap in someone’s ass.
and mikey…

well…

he sort of looked like a child molester/renaissance fair geek who photo bombed the picture. i don’t think anyone assumed that i would buy the actual photo, but i did. and i will share it willingly with whomever would like to see it.

like any medieval castle, this one came with a fully stocked bar:

and for 2 dollars you could venture behind a curtain into the torture chamber which was interesting and disgusting all at the same time.

a fancy chair:

i’d stick a baby in it. why not. it’s basically a high chair.

torture devices made mikey sad:

until he found a new kitchen appliance!

no, mikey, that’s not a melon juicer. or is it?

speaking of melons, let’s talk about the food. i knew what i was getting into when i signed up for this. but this is the menu: half chicken. bones and all. a rib. a half a potato. a bowl of “tomato bisque” (aka marinara sauce). bread. and since this is a very authentic experience, there was no silverware. unless you ask for it.

i asked for it. i’m sorry. i just couldn’t do it. i don’t even like to eat meat off a bone. and speaking of authenticity, our choice of beverage was pepsi or unsweetened ice tea. very medieval.

this is the arena:

as i said before i’m pretty sure all these people were stoned. they have to be. they reminded me of the long hairs i used to hang with at the diner in high school and college and they were always stoned, so obviously, putting two and two together…stoned people in costumes and riding horses.

the show was fun though. we were rooting for the blue knight who looked like constantine mouralis from American Idol.

he didn’t make it very far in the tournament. he was the second one killed. the other knights (red, yellow, green, black/white and red/yellow) were made up of a motley crew. one, i was pretty sure was a girl with facial hair. one was a black dude. and i’m all for color blind casting, but somehow this made the whole affair pretty inauthentic for me. not the gift shop. or the bar. or carbonated beverages. the black knight. i just couldn’t buy it.

the horses were very talented animals. although we wondered where they kept them. this was attached to a mall and i didn’t exactly see a stable or a coral anywhere. maybe in the best buy? mikey thought the horsed looked sad. they drooled a lot and i figured that they drugged them up so they didn’t revolt and jump into the stands and trample small children. although that would be pretty cool. we’d be on the news.

the coolest thing of the whole show was the falconer. some lady with a bird who had it trained to fly over our heads, swooping just close enough to freak us out and she would toss shit up in the air and he would catch it. pretty cool. i want a bird and i would make him fetch my mail and take the dog out.