JustMattHenry.com: gossip, life and humor

it’s cloudy and kind of gross outside today and mikey’s in Key West and i have nothing to do other than clean and straighten up, getting ready for company tonight and i’m all done with that.  so…you know how some people like to “live blog” big events like the super bowl or the grammys or the oscars?  well, they do.  i am going to live blog Divine Design with Candace Olsen on HGTV. 

4:05: Jane Lynch should play Candace in a made for tv movie about her life.

4:06: when HGTV does a makeover for some sorry saps like this couple, do they pay or does the couple pay? because this plan that ol’ candace has is well into the thousands

4:07 ps this a family who wants to create a golf inspired living room. even though they already have a golf inspired man-cave. something tells me the wife is a doormat.

4:09 ugh commercials. for vacuums and garbage bags. get a maid for god’s sake!

4:10 these people are nuts for golf. it’s literally all they do. candace is 9 feet tall.

4:10 oh shit. deserving design with vern yip is coming up next. god, i hate that show. deserving design. why don’t they just call it what it is: Extreme Makeover Home Edition on a budge and without all the corporate sponsors.

4:11 chico the lighting guy is kind of like chelsea handler’s sidekick chewie.

4:12 words of the day so far: cozy and rich and comfortable. words that are also foods: chocolatey, raspberry, maple. lols “bow bay” window. bow bay.

4:13 candace is wearing a leotard. i think. how long is this show? thirty minutes? let me check the guide. phew. thank god this isn’t an hour long.

4:14 oh, i like the chocolate color of the walls. it’s actually quite nice. candace you done good, bitch! you tall big bird bitch! oh but i don’t like the “art” even though it’s just a facade for a tv screen. when they aren’t watching golf on the tv, the “art” rolls down and they can look at ugly abstract art.

4:15 more commercials. boooooo. i can’t wait for my volleyball game tomorrow. we are going to kick ass. phone call. please hold. ooh, scotti g is coming over!!! yay!!!

4:18 please, candace, stop talking about how much these duds love golf. i keep typing gold instead of golf. i think i have gold kit on my mind.

4:20 stop using food words. i’m hungry even though i just had two hot dogs and a salad for lunch. maybe scotti g and i can go get food. candace’s chocolate pants match the chocolate color walls. i wonder if she plans her outfit to match the color scheme of her divine design. i wonder if that IS her divine design.

4:21 she has a nice jacket on too. i wonder if she’s a lez. i’m starting to like this room a lot actually. it’s not really about golf at all. at least not yet. they’ve only just laid down a rug and painted and done the curtains. the accessories could ruin it for me.

4:22 oh i really like those throw pillows. candace just said “i don’t have golf shoes but i do have a french manicure” ok, NOT a lesbian. mystery solved.

4:23 food commercial followed by a denture commercial. that reminds me of when we used to find my grandpa’s dentures in a glass next to the sink in our bathroom. if i remember correctly my sister thought it was an orange slice.

4:25 holy shit! funniest Gas-X commercial ever. “flatulated at the top of your gas…” “your son rip is on line toot” ha ha.

4:27 the big reveal and the wife says “oh my goodness gracious!” i wish people would just say what they’re really thinking which is like “holy shit!” “holy fuck!” actually the room is quite pretty. although there is quite a bit going on. not sure i like the gold accents. but i’m not candace olsen

4:29 i love candace’s use of alliteration: finished fabulous and fully equipped. oh it’s the end. someone told me that candace actually sings the theme song to her show. bye bye candace!!!