JustMattHenry.com: gossip, life and humor

at about 2:00 am i drop brett off at her apartment, then five minutes later, i’m kicking bernie to the curb and i head home, looking forward to a good night’s sleep. i pull up to the garage, click my little clicker, the door opens, i pull in, wait for the door to close (per request from the condo board), and then go to pull in my parking space. that i own. that i pay for. that i pay fifty dollars a month for in condo fees.

and some one is parked in my space.

if there is anything anyone can do that will make me want to murder them, park in my goddamn parking space. years and years have passed by and no one has ever parked in my parking space. i look at the plates: pennsylvania. out of towner. and what fool neighbor of mine suggested to this person to just go ahead and park in whatever space was available? i realize my hours are quite opposite everyone else in my building, but an empty space is not free for the taking.

so i leave a note. it says: you are illegally parked in my space…move your car. what i wanted to write is: i will track you down and fucking kill you if you ever pull this bullshit again.

i am forced to park my own car in the loading dock. i leave a note for our daytime concierge letting him know that i’m parked there and why and if need be to call me asap if i’m creating a problem with my parking in the loading dock. but now i can’t sleep and i organize the details of my vengeance.

i call 311 (the local non emergency line) and get some kind of bullshit voice messaging system and i’m all like, oh hell no. so i call 911. and i say: this is not an emergency, i just didn’t know who else to call or if you can even assist me with this problem. but. i live in a condo building with a secure garage and someone is illegally parked in my space. am i allowed to kill them?

she says no. i say, what can i do?

ticket them. well, that’s all good and fine, but that doesn’t move the car. can i tow them? yes, if, after the ticket is issued they leave the car there. well, that’s no good. i want blood. i want to slash tires and key the hood. we will send someone over to issue a ticket, but you will have to be there to sign for it, she says. i’ll be waiting outside, i reply.

an hour and a half later they arrive. after numerous calls inquiring their whereabouts (hi, it’s me again! the dispatcher and i became fast friends). unfortunately, due to the layout of the garage and my parking space, towing is not an option. can i bust the windows out the car? no.

fine.

the next morning as i’m walking delia, our day concierge flags me down and says that the guy who parked there is a resident and apologizes profusely for any inconvenience (i want flowers and a note–not some relayed half assed apology). he was just so tired that he parked in the wrong space.

bitch, i have been wasted out my goddamn mind and still managed to park in my own space (mm…but not really although i’m pretty sure i’d still be able to). i still plan on tracking this person down and giving them a big ol’ fucking heap of a piece of my mind. not happy.