JustMattHenry.com: gossip, life and humor

today i met my sis-in-law molly at the zoo. she had not-so-lil cordell, ellie mae and ryder ryder pacifier in tow. she definitely needed a helping hand. and i was all to willing to help. 94 degrees, a bucket of sweat and 5 lbs lost later…this is what i have to say:

i met the kids and molly at the petty zoo where already cord would not stop talking, and then he told me that i looked different with no hair even though he’s seen me with no hair before. fortunately, he did not tell me that i resembled a girl in anyway like he has in the past…or that i was wearing girl clothes, like he has in the past. but he did, upon hearing that i’m quite ticklish, decide that the best way to tickle me was to grab what can only be described as love handles, at which point i picked him up and threatened to dump him in the alligator pond outside the reptile house.

ryder, what do you think about cord?

yes. exactly.

going to the zoo with cord is fun because according to him everything is either “dead” or they are “fighting”. and i’m like, uh, it’s not dead. or uh, they’re not fighting. and he’s all like, uncle matt! that one’s dead.

is this cow dead, cord? no. is it fighting the other cow, cord? no. but it may be about to die and it’s all your fault.

this video is of ryder who i have not actually seen walking about before and he may or may not be drunk.

or it may be an old video of clizzay deciding if he’s one, going to chaos and two, if he has enough money.

ryder, what do you have in that damn tippy cup?

yeah, i thought so.

so we go down to the sea lion pool to watch some trainers give a demonstration and it’s packed and there’s not a whole lot of wiggly room up front, so cord and ellie find a spot next to some other kids so they can watch the show…and then some foreign bitch comes running over and says to them “we’re standing here. you go over there.” and so, cord and ellie politely wandered around until they found another space, but i witnessed this fat bitch basically be rude to my niece and nephew. i mean, they didn’t cut in front of anyone, they weren’t blocking anyone’s view and i was like bitch we are gon’ throw down.

on the inside.

instead, i went over to the kids to make sure they could see and cord kind of hinted that he felt he did something wrong and offended that bitch or something and i said, no, cord, you guys did nothing wrong, she’s a fuckin’ rude ass bitch with cankles and retarded hat.

except i didn’t really say that. ryder, however, expressed a lot. i think he was throwin’ a little side eye her way.

after all that nastiness, here’s something so cute it can’t help but make you smile:

see? totally cute. don’t you think that’s just the cutest thing you ever saw, ryder?

he didn’t really care. all he liked to do was walk around and point up at the sky. i have no idea why.

if this was a movie, this would be where we fill time by having a montage…set to the tune of Walking on Sunshine by Katrina and the Waves, but only because that was mentioned at trivia tonight and i can’t get it out of my head.

what in the hell are y’all lookin’ at?

oh. at this point i had to explain to molly–an adult–how i knew that one elephant was, in fact, NOT a male as she so believed. male elephants do not pee out their vagina.

in the above photo, cord and ellie, i think, are imitating the flamingos behind them. or doing yoga.

i love this next photo because i told cord to hold ryder’s head towards the camera and it looks like if he ever let go of his head, it would roll right off and down the hill into the sea lion pool.

oh here’s something interesting and something that will show my age, but…kids today…like, when i was young and we took photos on our vacations and such, well, you didn’t get to see what you looked like, decide you look bad and delete it. no, you had to wait until you dropped the film off, got it back a week later and then realize that you ruined the family photo in front of some tourist thing or another. there was no, “let me see” right after the click of the camera. but these kids today, they asked to see the picture after nearly every one of them. they shall never know the humiliation of getting your prints back from the photo shop and realizing that some pimply faced teenager will have seen that photo even though you vow that the horrible photo where you’re making that face will never again see the light of day.

luckily i think we all turned out alright in this one.

actually i think that was our third or fourth attempt because i didn’t like how i looked in the first few. DELETE!

so, ryder, how did you enjoy your day with uncle matt at the zoo? did you have fun? isn’t he just the coolest uncle ever?

hm. i feel ya, kid. you’re lookin’ how i felt by the end of the day.