JustMattHenry.com: gossip, life and humor

my mom told me we were going to eat around one which meant i had to be up super early to get down there because even on a holiday that stupid mixing bowl in springfield is backed up every minute of every day. 

ps…best friend amy needs to construct a new exit to the main road to her house because if i have to spend 45 minutes in traffic only to then not have an easy exit off the interestate to her house, i won’t be visiting much.  seriously, she lives just south of the worst interchange in the country with no clear exit unless you happen to be in the HOV lanes heading south–and only when they are open to south bound traffic.  too much to deal with.  get permits now, amy, and you and yo husband can start construction on the “Matt Henry Exit” off 95 tomorrow. 

anyway.  sidetracked. 

so i get to my parents house and not 30 minutes into our stay, the pooch plows into my parents’ choco lab Zeke and hurts his leg.  he’s twice her size and yet MY dog hurts theirs.  i think he’s faking.  oh sure, she knocked him down–i saw it happen–and i’m sure it hurt a little bit, but walk it off! 

so then, because my hair is a bit longer than it’s been the last 8 years, my nephew cordell says to me “you look like superman!”  yes, tell me something i don’t know.  but not ten minutes later, he says “your a girl” because i couldn’t imagine feeding thawed out dead baby mice to his pet snake, not that he does it himself.  but i’m the girl. 

later, my brother and i were talking about all the skyscrapers in NYC because cord and most of the family are going up there either today or tomorrow to see a preview of the musical Shrek on broadway and my brother tells cord that he’ll be looking up at the super tall buildings the entire time he’s there because he’s never seen buildings so tall…and then i chime in with “and while you’re looking up, someone will come behind you and hit you on the head with a pipe and steal your wallet.”  i’m a good uncle.  i hope he thinks about that when he gets the urge to look up at the tall the buildings today.  eyes straight ahead cord.  don’t look up.

while the women folk–and by that i mean mom–were in the kitchen preparing whatever food needed to be prepared, us “kids” headed out side with the dogs to mess around.  cord hopped on his bike, i threw on my rollerblades, lil ellie drew on the driveway with her sidewalk chalk and my brother/in-law tossed a football around when i got the grand idea to roll down all the windows in my car and crank the stereo with the new tunes from Brit, Pink, Beyonce, and Madonna…you know, songs that were eerily similar to my brother’s favorites growing up. 

i forgot i kind of liked that cop killer song.  ah, the 90s.

after dinner, even though i don’t like babies that much, i said i would hold my lil baby nephew ryder if it meant that my sister could do her womanly duties and clean dishes.  so lil ryder likes to hold on to your index fingers like handle bars and so i’m just kind of holding him and pulling him up and making his fat little arms do funny things when he shoves my finger into his wet, hot, gummy mouth.

and i almost threw up.

it’s what i imagine fingering a girl feels like.