JustMattHenry.com: gossip, life and humor

* please note that this is NOT a criticism of my best friends wedding, as it went off spectacularly, amy was absolutely glowing and the groom did not have to be driven home early by the bride’s mom because he was too drunk. this is merely a funny interpretation–per my sense of humor–about someone else’s day and how it was really all about me!

everyone sort of knows i’m a bit self-involved.  immediately upon hearing that chris proposed to my best friend on their trip to San Francisco, my first thought was how is this going to affect me?  i obviously know that it does not.  i don’t  matter.  this is their day, their moment to shine and…well, their moment to be stressed out because we all know that weddings are hard work for the happy couple.  i personally would stab myself in the neck if i had to go through all that smiling and being nice to people.

i wasn’t sure exactly what my role would be in the wedding.  she’s been my best friend for a couple of decades now, but i don’t know how it works with the gay best friend.  where do you put them?  i knew that i wouldn’t be maid of honor (or her best man) since she does have two sisters, and i figured that the groom has his own friends to put on his side, and then you get into all the logistics about pairing up during the ceremony.  like, two guys trailing the bride and groom, arm and arm, up the aisle at the close of the ceremony?  weird.   plus, i know all about girls and how if someone gets left out of a wedding party it can lead to hell.  it’s like opening pandora’s box.  you just don’t diss anyone by not having them be one of your bridesmaids.  although, i don’t think that was a problem this go round.

one afternoon at our usual friday lunch, amy asked me to be her “day of organizer” and the “MC of her reception”  and of course i said yes.  seriously, she’s my best friend, whatever she asks me to do i’m going to do.  there’s no sense in quibbling over roles and what they mean during one 24 hr period.  plus, my saint-like grace and acceptance of my role, quite possibly shines brighter than any electric blue bridesmaid dress.  when people asked me about my role, hinting that maybe i should be offended since i am her best friend, i shrugged it off.  as a best friend, i would do whatever she asked of me.  if she asked me to juggle in my underpants in the middle of the reception, you damn well know i would do it.  now, let’s analyze the two roles that she gave me…the first being Day of Organizer.  amy tried to explain to me the duties this entailed, but to be honest, i was having some major chaffing in my down there area going on that day, during our walk, so most of it went in one ear and out the other and i thought, i’m pretty sure i can pick up all that again during the rehearsal.  she said she’d like me to take on this responsibility because i’m fussy and bossy.  which i am.

the second job she appointed me was the reception MC, and basically i was to keep the festivities moving, introducing people, keeping a very strict schedule (again, the fussy/bossy), herding people from toasts, to dinner, to dancing to cake cutting, all the while wowing them with my wit and charm.  basically she gave me open reign on the mic and i’m completely okay with that.   it’s sort of the gay clown role.  and the gay clown and the fussy wedding planner thing are so stereotypical, but they are also so totally me, so i welcomed the stereotype and the power with open arms.

now, as i glance back at the weekend’s events, lets count the ways in which i managed to make her nuptials all about me:

–it was my hand drawn design on the ceremony programs, and i received lots of compliments about my artistry.  this is good because, even though, within the program, my name is only listed as “artwork by matt henry”, it is not listed in the wedding party (nor even a shoutout as “Day of” Gay and “Gay entertainment clown”).

–show up an hour early to the rehearsal so that i  can tell people i showed up an hour early and am, therefor, such a good Day Of Gay, which opens up conversation about how punctual i am to everything, and provides opportunity to talk about other obsessive compulsive habits i have, which then, obviously, leads to more conversation about my role as Day Of Gay.

–at the rehearsal i wore a shirt through which you could see my nipples.  in church.  if that doesn’t get attention, perhaps being second in charge of the ceremony (after Pastor Chuck) and making it known by exaggerating said role with such phrases as “i’d like to see this flow better for the ceremony” and “on my count, one…two…and go!” and  “walk slower, walk slower–i said SLOWER!”

–retain an air of mystery at the rehearsal dinner by never really leaving the table and only being social with a small handful of people, and leaving as soon as the pregnant bridesmaid gets tired, only speaking to others when receiving compliments on my artwork, my hair, my physique or to talk about anything else involving me.

–getting ready that morning, it’s very important for me to be the most stunningly handsome person there.  i mean, obviously, the bride will be number one, but i expect to be ranked a close number two.  (trivia jason, with his snazzy pants  and hip jacket came in third).  now, everyone knows those fancy suits the grooms wore are rented, so it’s important to dress for success and to let everyone know what exactly you are wearing and how much it cost.  i wore a Hugo Boss suit that cost ____ dollars, kenneth cole button up shirt that cost ____, kenneth cole shoes and belt that cost _____, cufflinks from Tiffany that cost _____, and just so i don’t come across as too snobby, i do tell everyone (and it’s true) that i got my hot pink versace tie at Off 5th at potomac mills for twenty percent off their already discount prices.  it’s also important to have attention getting hair and skin which i like to accomplish by spending an hour on my hair and using one and a half cans of neutrogena air brush tanning spray (three shades darker than your natural skin tone).

– after the ceremony, as every tells me what a great job i did as day of organizer–and let me say this about that role as it actually happens.  at times, i felt like i wasn’t actually doing anything and other times, i felt completely stressed out as if the very ceremony would collapse if i couldn’t find who this goddamn bouquet belongs to!  it was lisa’s; she was in the john.  okay, but when everyone says what a great job, it’s easy for me to fish for more compliments by saying that i didn’t actually know what i was doing and i hope everything looked alright, and i hope amy’s not mad at me…and obviously she wasn’t but it’s just another way for people to tell me how terrific i am.

–since i also had to get to the reception early to give my final approval on everything, i find that letting people know this, lets them know just how important you are to the bride…probably more important than the groom.  “No, i’m sorry, i have to get going because i need to be at the reception hall by three to make sure that everything is exactly the way amy wants it, because i am her very best friend and that’s what very best friends do.  no, i’m sorry, i can not talk to you now.   i have a huge amount of responsibility resting on my shoulders, in fact, the entire reception rests  with me and if i don’t give my final approval or if things do not measure up to the way i– i mean, amy–wants them to be,  i just might have to cancel the reception.  no, i’m sorry, yes, i understand, but i simply can not talk now.  thank you, you’re very kind, i worked really hard on my hair this morning because she is my very best friend, but i must go.  no, i must.  I SAID I CAN’T TALK TO YOU!”

–when making a rather lengthy toast (i do lengthy toasts because even if it’s not very good, you’ll still be the guy who gave that long boring toast and that in itself makes you memorable)…although obviously mine was not boring and it was quite funny because i am a funny gay and if amy didn’t think so she wouldn’t have appointed me Gay Entertainment Clown.  Now, when making said toast, it is important to talk mostly about amy, but it is very easy to make it subtly about me.  now, as a stand up, it is very important for me to make fun of myself if i am making fun of others, so when making fun of amy during my toast/roast, i had to make fun of myself too.  and so when poking fun at amy, i subversively let the entire crowd know that i was in fact very gay, was a giant prude in the 8th grade, admitted to not being as gifted as my peers in 9th grade, struggled with calculus class in high school, that i was basically a loner and amy was my only friend, that i journaled horrible things about my teachers which sort of puts me close to Columbine levels of anti-social behavior, and that i had a drinking problem in college.  the plus side of making a toast as classic as this is that many people will congratulate me on my humor, my wit, charm, comfortableness speaking in front of people, my natural movie star good looks, and why am i not on television?

–as a minor dc gay celebrity (hey number one fan kristin!), it is very important to not get roped into too many pictures.  obviously my image is very important to me and i don’t want my picture showing up on some internet porn site or in some diet soda ad in japan.  everyone and their mother had a camera at the wedding and i was forced to only allow those i trust to take my picture because you can just never be too sure.  so by appearing aloof and distant from the drunken tom-foolery, as the candid pictures from the reception makes the rounds via email, i find that i am comfortably in the background of only a few photos, aways to be pointed out as “who’s the hot guy in the background?” or “oh my god, that guy looks just like ______!”  or “that’s amy’s best friend.  he’s kind of a celebrity.  i tried to get his autograph but he had so many fans surrounding him.  i didn’t want to be rude.”

–finally, as the party winds down and everyone makes plans to move the party back to the hotel, it was important that i excuse myself a few minutes early so that i can go do a costume change.  for two reasons:  one, everyone wonders “where’d matt go?” and two, i wanted to change into more  comfortable clothing and by comfortable i mean cleavage bearing.  i mean, seriously, who doesn’t want to see my man tits in a low cut american apparel v-neck?