JustMattHenry.com: gossip, life and humor

i don’t even know where to begin on the events that occurred sunday afternoon. i suppose we should start at the beginning.

it’s 9 am and i only got to sleep like six hours ago, but i have to be up, dressed, and out the door by 930 which means my grumpy-in-the-morning B-friend needs to be ready too and i know he won’t be because contrary to what people think, it only takes me ten minutes to look as good as i do, but the boyfriend likes to take longer. so i know we’re not going to get out on the road to Warrenton until 945 which is fine because i have made it there, sans traffic in about 30. and i still have to get gas.

i walk the dog. it’s raining but not hard. then we hit the road. and…

the sky opens up and all kinds of rain pours down which is good because my car is covered in pollen even though i just washed it on friday. but not good at the same time because i hate driving on wet roads and actually go only 10 mph over the speed limit rather than my just-under-reckless 20. and the rain is so blinding i can barely see the car in front of me much less what lane i’m in, but there’s little traffic and i think we’ll make it to the church on time.

we get lost. i think somewhere close to Culpepper i realize that i should have veered right at the split rather than left and even though the boyfriend kept insisting on just punching the address into my navigation, i don’t like people messing with my idrive (it’s a bmw thing) so i remind him that i know where i’m going.

at 1105 we get to the church to find the parking lot full and it’s raining even harder, but there are two empty spaces near the door that say “1st time visitors” which is so us so we park there, run through the rain and enter at the back of the church. my first instinct anytime i’m looking for my family in a crowd is to scan for my dad’s head of silver hair, but this is church and there are so many heads of silver hair, but finally i see them–oh, did i forget to mention that as soon as i stepped foot in the church i developed a severe case of giggles for no reason other than there was a band playing “Shine” by Collective Soul on stage. yes, a band made up of Jonas brothers look-a-likes with bad skin and greasier hair.  oh, and there was a back up singer girl who you know auditioned for american idol but, having not made the cut, resigned herself to singing in the Warrenton United Methodist chruch youth band for the rest of her life.

i have not been to church (save the occasional wedding) since i was just a wee thing and i have to say that the service that would include my niece’s  baptism was beyond…different.  first of all, there was, of course, the band.  next, once mikey and i arrived down at the front row to sit with my family, my brother informed me that this service was going to be lead by the youth group since it was “Youth Week”.  whatevs.  so it was all very informal and some kids got up to say different things that i didn’t really pay attention to, some girl talked about stamping all her friends homework with an I Love Jesus stamp, another girl got up there barefoot and i’m like, uh really?  in the house of the lord?  put your shoes on.   and using the band to reinforce whatever lessons they were preaching about by letting them play songs i actually knew.  like the collective soul song and “knockin’ on heaven’s door” which was famously covered in my youth by Guns and Roses.  all very weird.  plus there was another song that they ended with that ended up being stuck in my head all day and i will look for on my new Gospel Music Channel.

during ellie’s baptism, i was trying to pay attention, but not really.  two reasons:  the church provided reading material for me to browse so i did.  i looked over their weekly schedual, noting the “Men’s Breakfast, Friendly’s” every wednesday at 9 am…which i mistook as a friendly breakfast for men…or a breakfast for friendly men…which sounds gay.  but it’s actually a breakfast for men at the local Friendly’s restaurant which still sounds pretty gay.  but wednesday at 9 am?  why aren’t these people on their way to work?  also, the youth group used clips from the movie “Facing the Giants” to illustrate various passages from the bible and the clips made the film seem like a bad lifetime movie starring a second rate hillary swank about some football coach who decided to convert his uninspired football team into a band of god-fearin’ steroid thugs.  which, as mikey pointed out, is totally wrong since it was a public school.  the best dialog  occurred at the end of the movie when one coach (or the high school principle, not sure), right before the championship game against the giants, said something like “they became champions when they accepted god into their life.”  gag.  in the provided reading material were some fun facts about the film…like it was made by some church in GA for 100k but grossed “more than 100 million” which, through IMDB i discovered was a typo.  it was ten million.  liars.  you’re going to hell.

the other reason i was distracted during the baptism was that my nephew lil cordell was sitting behind me, and in the middle of the ceremony tapped me on the the back and said “Uncle matt, you’re wearing girl shoes!”  quite loudly actually and i thought thanks, cord, for pointing the finger of sin my way…but you’re in church so shut the fuck up and you can’t even see my shoes.

so on the way out, prego sister said she was going to make me the godfather of my soon-to-pop nephew and i’m like uh, you do know the role of godfather is so that should y’all die, i will raise him to praise and worship our lord and savior jesus christ…and she’s like i know, that’s why we picked you!  because you don’t give a shit!  ah.  i see.  i’m like Sirius Black to Harry Potter.  ooh, i hope i get to ride a Hippogriff.