JustMattHenry.com: gossip, life and humor

yesterday evening i took off work since i worked so much this weekend and decided to pick mikey up at work (mistake #1), go to dinner and movie (mistake #2) and maybe swing by barnes and noble to see if they have the new book i want (mistake #3).  i say mistake because there are so many idiots in the world that…well, let’s just retrace my day.

so i knew that leaving my place at 13th and N and traveling down rush hour infested 14th  to back track my way to mikey’s office building across from G-town in Rosslyn was not a great idea.  it’s usually easier to NOT cross the city and hit the key bridge, so i often hit 14th and then wind my way through arlington since there’s less traffic.  but i left with plenty of time to pick mikey up between 530 and 6 cause i know there will still be traffic.  i’m fully prepared with an ipod full of Robyn and Madonna to sit in some traffic, but knowing that it’s just after 500 when i leave, surely traffic can’t be all that bad.  butcept it is.

i call mikey to tell him not to  hold his breath even for six o’clock as the 14th st. bridge is a parking lot–to which he says “i don’t know what bridge that is”.  aw.  people who don’t drive are so cute.

but then, and i think this happened for a reason, as if sent to me for this very purpose…an entourage of police motorcycles comes roaring and screaming through the traffic and everyone starts getting out their way.  so i make my move.  i immediately fall in behind them and now have a clear path through the traffic as most people are two slow to get back into their lane.  i follow in their wake all the way to my exit and get to mikey’s office at approx.  545.

we got to dinner at j.pauls as mikey wants to eat the equivalent of a horse and i figure that’s as good a place as any and then we stop by barnes and noble to see if they have Are You There, Vodka?  It’s me Chelsea by one of my favorite comediennes and host of Chelsea Lately…Miss Chelsea Handler.  and i know this book is out because i saw it listed in the best sellers of the Washington Post’s Bookworld in the sunday paper or in EW or one of those lists.  so we go and i don’t see it in the BandN best seller shelf–which is odd because it almost always mimics the NY times best sellers list, NOR do i see it in the new non-fiction, which it is, so i ask some BandN schlub to look it up on the ‘puter and he tells me it’s upstairs  in the new biography section.

except it’s not.

so then after checking even the old biography section and the we-don’t-sell-this-anymore biography section (discount bin),  i ask another BandN schlub who seemed to have some sort of intelligence because she wore glasses and she knew that not only was this on the best seller list, but it was also a BandN featured book and was on display in the front of store along with the other best sellers down on the first floor.  or it was supposed to be if everybody was doin’ they jobs.

except they weren’t.

oh, no.  that would be too too easy.  so we ask yet another BandN schlub who says they have the book in, it’s just not out on the floor because, even though it should be, they just haven’t gotten to it and it will on their best sellers shelf because–for BandN, it’s one of next weeks best sellers.

okay, look, i worked at BandN for like a month years ago, and that was some horrible service.  i quit the BandN because pay ain’t shit, even though i love books and working the information desk, but they need to start hiring some people with smarts because these minimum wage gophers they got trolling around the store socializing  aren’t cuttin’ it.  for one thing, the BandN that i worked at, we were all on the same page–everything was where it was supposed to be and we all knew where everything was supposed to be, and we worked our asses off because the management did not mess around.  now i know that every brand name store in G-town is essentially a disaster anyway compared to their non-Gtown counterparts, but this is ridiculous.

sigh.

so then.  we go see Iron Man and there are like six people in the theater, which is fine by me, so we can get the best seats, center of the house, so of course assholes-come-lately wander in during the previews and sit right behind me and proceed to talk through the previews.  which i don’t like one bit.  that, plus, stupid bitch behind me…if she kicked my seat one more time, i was going to kick her seat right back.  and by seat i mean ass.  the movie starts (and it was pretty good–hell, even Paltrow was good and i hate that fuckin’ bitch) and assholes behind us feel the need to comment loudly.  and this is what this (foreign) guy behind me looked like:  clay aiken.  he talked like Schwarzenegger, but looked like Aiken with the acid washed mom jeans, the braided belt and and a sweater tied oh so gaykenly around his shoulders.  so the third time, i finally had to say something–and mikey apparently did too as he whipped around with his dukes up ready to pounce.  but i took the lead and asked very politely “hey, can y’all keep it down please?”  even though i wanted to say “hey clay aiken and fat girl, shut the fuck up!”

okay.  there are two kinds of people in the world.  those who need to be shushed at the movies and those who do the shushing.  if you are so poorly brought up, so ill-mannered that you need to be shushed during a movie…you are an asshole.   not even the guy who’s cell phone goes off because he might have forgotten to turn it off (it happens) is as much of an asshole as those who talk during movies.  and i’m not talking about ha-ha-fun-black-girl-yellin-at-the-screen-during-a-horror-film kind of talking, sometimes i enjoy that, i’m talking about whitey who has something to say about everything on screen.   asshole.  and you’re probably an asshole in everything you do.