JustMattHenry.com: gossip, life and humor

and now here we arrive at the Animal Kingdom. When i was last at the disney world park, i was nine, and they didn’t have nothin’ save for epcot and the magic kingdom and all that brought me was a piss poor attitude and some hot jams to go with it. i was nine and totally hating my family at the time. Animal Kingdom was cool but NONE OF IT IS REAL! this big tree behind me for instance:

love the pink tank top. nothing says gay in Orlando like a pink tank top, muscles and no kids. animal kingdom is made of various third world countries like Asia, Africa and Dino-land. and in Africa we went on a safari where nothing was real except the animals and they were very close. the ride was actually one of my favorites and if i was ever to choose to work at a Disney park i would want to drive one of these giant four wheel drive monster trucks that haul fat tourists around and pretend we’re trying to capture poachers. or maybe we were the poachers. i don’t know. all i know is that near the end of the ride black people were shooting guns at us from the jungle.

then it was off to Asia and the Himalayas where our roller coast was attacked by a yeti and i actually was not fond of this ride because once the yeti attacked our coaster, we were forced backwards back down the track, attacked yet(i) again by the yeti and then hurled forward down through the mountain and it kind of made me sick to my stomach. i’d never gone on a roller coaster backwards and don’t think it will happen again.

so we sought solace in the kiddie friendly Dino-Land:

is it just me or does that brontosaurus totally have gay face?

since dino-land seemed to only have rides that spin, and i don’t do spinning rides, we were able to just walk around and take pictures and browse one of about 18K gift shops. seriously, you’d get off a ride and immediately corralled into a giftshop. this is just outside one:

here are some friends we met along the way…this is mikey taking a picture with his ifriend:

this is what we would look like if we were midgets:

so then it was off to the magic kingdom where we played Top Model for a while. i think this first photo would be really pretty if not for that glaring flag pole. oops. didn’t think to go on the other side.

this is my first attempt at a picture of me and mikey in front of the Cinderella’s castle. mikey kept telling me to just give my camera to some fat stranger to take our picture and i was like, oh hell, no…i’ve seen National Lampoons European Vacation. i don’t give my ‘spensive ‘lectronics to NObody.

picture = fail.
you can’t even see the castle.

so then we try just one on one. i tried to take everything i’ve ever learned from Top Model and apply it to my photo. however. fail. i’m not even smiling with my eyes for Christs sake! my pose is far too commercial and i’m not taking any risks with my body. god, i just quiver to think what Miss J will say. sigh.

finally, mikey is so frustrated with me that i won’t just hand my camera over to someone (oh ps…the one taken of the two of us above, in front of the gift shop, was not taken by a third party. there was a trash receptacle conveniently located so as to set the camera on top and use the timer). unfortunately, my attempt at doing this again in front of the castle was not working and so some lady comes over with her teen kids and asks if we would like her to take our picture. to which i said “NO I DON’T FUCKIN’ TRUST YOU WITH MY FUCKIN’ CAMERA BITCH” except not really cause i’m sure mikey would have gotten embarrassed and spent the rest of the vacation whispering sweet nothings into his ifriend.

so she took this picture and i’m not thrilled with the way my shirt is. it looks way too long and at that point in the day had just become so laden with sweat and makes my torso look weird and if i knew how edit or–what do the professionals call it?–crop a photo i would, but i can’t. so…

i wish i had managed to sneak a picture of what the Bippity-Bobbity Boutique does to little girls but i didn’t think taking pictures of small children was a good idea. so i’m stealing one off the internet. the whole experience, hair, nails, dress can run (according to message boards) about 200 dollars. and there were thousands of little girls running around who looked like mummy and daddy just spent a couple hundred to make them looks like fairy tale whores.

i still kind of wanted to go.

and on that tranny note, we shall end this adventure until…well, a couple days at least whereupon we will reconvene at the Hoop De Doo Revue and then poolside at The Lodge.