JustMattHenry.com: gossip, life and humor

so according to this map from weather.com, it looks like gustav will be missing florida this weekend…

they are predicting that it might strengthen over the gulf and it looks like it will head straight for New Orleans, but…as long as it doesn’t ruin my vacation…i do not care.

hm. maybe it’s still too early for New Orleans jokes.

well, it’s now just a few days away, so i’ve decided to start organizing for my trip. i thought i would need a folder to hold all my important documents for the trip and then i stumbled upon my stickers and markers and went a little nuts:

yes, that does say “Matt and Mike’s Magical Misadventures”
inside, there are (also heavily decorated) documents confirming hotel reservations, google maps and mapquest directions (just incase the Nav goes on the fritz), all of which are broken down into chapters by location and listed conveniently on the chapter page. on the inside of the folder, i have emergency contacts listed for both mikey and myself since…you know…if something should happen. although if the car goes up in flames, this paper folder ain’t going to make it. hm. maybe i should buy some flame retardant spray to coat it with.

it’s about this time during the olympics when my interest fades and i no longer stay up to the wee hours of morning to watch all my favorite female-centric sports (track and field, gymnastics, volleyball).  i’m not sure when the games actually end (maybe tonight?)  but i gotta tell you, i’m pretty worn out.  i mean, from my bout of phelps fatigue, to all the aches and pains in my ankles, writs and knees from all those uneven bar routines i’ve been doing, and getting my hair in those tight cornrows to maximize wind resistance during sprints…i’m just a little tired.

so here are my top olympic memories of the Beijing Games:

GOLD–that one really tight mens relay race (4×100 freestyle) in the “water cube” where even though he was just 25% of the team, michael phelps got 100% of the credit and attention for the win.  it was  a thrilling race though.  mikey and i were jumping on the couch cheering on that final swimmer (jason lezcak) in the final seconds.

SILVER– women’s gymnastics all around competition.   shawn johnson (who i will adopt any day now–just waiting on some paperwork to go through) and nastia liuken were simply amazing and showed the chinese fetuses just who’s boss in the gymnastics world.  it’s not called gymNICEstics.

BRONZE–well, this was going to be a tie, but since there is no tie in the olympics (which there should have been on the womens’ uneven bar event finals) i will place Misty May-Treanor and Karri Walsh in this medal position because they are simply amazing at volleball and i want to be them.  skill wise that is.  i also love that whenever Karri Walsh did anything amazing on the court, which was like all the time, the chinese commentators in the stands played “Carrie” by the hair band Europe.

HONORABLE MENTIONS–which they should totally give out in the olympics btw–Jonathan Horton on the uneven bars individual event.  abso-fuckin’lutely amazing.  he won the silver, but should have received a gold for most improved as he added more difficulty to up his start value and it paid off.  smart move, J-Ho, smart move.   unfortunately, no one saw it since NBC aired it at like 1 a.m.  but the pooch and i saw it and we say well done!  Also Sasha Artemev on the pommel horse during the men’s team competition.  again, absolutely terrific.   he didn’t quite nail it in the event competition, but still, cool as shit.

Most Awkward Cringe Worthy Moments

Gold–anytime George Bush did ANYTHING at the games.

Silver–anytime any of the female gymnasts hugged any other female gymnast. ..espcially the chinese.  it’s like, you know they were thinking “bitch” when they did it.

Bronze– Michael Phelps’ body: 9  Gold Medals:  8  Face:  eh, about a 4.3

Honorable Mention–while i was definitely impressed with his performance during the men’s team competition in gymnastics, Johnathan Horton (J-Ho, if you will) and his fuckin’ pep talks were just a little too texas frat boy for me.  especially coming from someone who is only about 4 feet tall.   sorry, i like my white southern douchebaggery to come in a package at least 5′10″.

Honorable Mention–the coach of the US women’s pole vaulter who after only being in the sport for four years earned a silver behind the supposed queen of the sport and world record holder…for some reason he had a mic on and nbc would cut to his talks between jumps and after she won the silver he was kind of…er…weird, i guess, towards her.  definitely not happy for her silver medal…maybe he was still coaching and didn’t think the event was actually over yet…?

Honorable Mention–Usain Bolt winning the hundred meters.  was it poor sportmanship or just sheer happiness for the win?  eh, whatever, i’m sure in five years he’ll admit to doping (as will most of the jamaican track team)

Most Heartbreaking Moments

Gold–oh man, Lolo Jones (or LoLo-Jo if you please) in the finals of the 110 meter hurdles.  she had it, it was hers, she was the favorite to win and she’s hot, but that goddamn 9th hurdle just clipped her lead foot and it was all over.  now, i think, in that too-soon interview by NBC, she handled herself with amazing charm and grace but that shot of her under the stands, alone against that bleak white wall, with just…tears streaming down her face, taking a (sort of, except for all the cameras) private moment to let the pain out…man.

Silver–alicia sacramone (i’m just going to keep going with this and call her Ali-Sac) when she fell on the beam in team competition.  although to her credit i didn’t see any of  the other girls trying to actually somersault onto the beam.   you just kind of knew the nerves got to her (perhaps because there was such a long wait between athletes) and her disaster on the floor after was just…i mean, you could see it in her face and while she never quite broke down a la LoLo-Jo…you definitely felt for her.  on the plus side, not only is she like the most downloaded female athlete of the games (she’s pretty hot and she throws a mean left hook) but most of the free world believes she was just a bit robbed of the bronze medal on the vault.  of course some chinese toddler took it even though she fell on her second vault–like down on the ground on her hands and knees) and alicia landed both her vaults.  i think there’s some payola being passed out by the chinese government and that the judging is fixed.  but that’s just me and i’m an expert so…

Bronze– that poor little chinese girl who was deemd not cute enough to sing during the opening ceremony.  she was totally cute.  those chinese are fuckin’ crazy straight outta looney.

so now the games are over (to me anyway).  i can’t wait for the London games in ‘12!!!!!

well it’s now ten days and counting until mikey and i hit the road for vacation, so yesterday i go get my hair cut because roberto is going to be gone from sept to oct 3, so it’s a little shorter than normal but i need it to hold out until he gets back so i don’t end up shaving it all off like i do sometimes when i get frustrated with it and i try to limit myself to shaving my head only once or twice a year, and i’ve already done it once this year, so i’d like to not do it again if i can help it. 

what matters most, however, is that the daughter of my building’s concierge is totally in love with me and loves my new haircut.  yes, i just know she is.  since she’s been on vacation from school since june, she oftens spends the day with her dad in my building and since i’m pretty much the only person in my building who is around from 9-5, i’m basically all she has to lust after.  oh did i mention she’s probably nine years old?  well, she is.  and she always pushes the elevator call button for me when i come in and she always gets so excited when i come out of the elevator with the pooch and then when we return, she’s right there again pushing the call button for me.  sometimes, she hops in, presses ‘3′ for my floor and will ride up with me. 

also, when i pull into the garage when i come home from the gym, she can see me on the security cameras and so when i’m coming up from P1, magically, someone in the lobby has pressed the call button so the elevator stops, the door opens, and no one is there other than her smiling and waving at me from behind the front desk. 

ok, so maybe she’s stalking me.   

i kind of want to adopt Shawn Johnson

so i had received two free tix to the nat’s game on sunday.  the perks that came with these tix included:  four free miller lites, admittance into the miller lite beerpen on the scoreboard walk, 15 dollars in nat’s bucks (for food).  what i got was:  three free miller lights, admittance into a scorching roped off area of concrete, and ten dollars in nat’s bucks.  not sure where all the lies came from, but i took the bait and now i must deal with the consequences. 

which are:

i have had only one other visit to the ball park, and aside from the concrete-ness of the new stadium and very little greenery save for the actual field, it’s a nice stadium, but i had a rather heated encounter with one of the conession stands.  an hour long wait, absolutely horrible service, they ran out of everything by the 4th inning but failed to tell those of us waiting in line.  it basically ruined the day for me. 

and so i thought this time may be different…hell, it’s all free, so what do i care? 

i was starving upon my arrival at the park and so i grab my ten nat’s bucks and head to one of the grills just down from the scoreboard walk miller lite beer pen and order a grilled chicken breast sandwich, which was neither grilled nor a breast and let me explain just how they construct my sandwhich.  first, the (friendly, albeit slow) lady behind the counter piles a bunch of fries in my basket, a virtual overflowing bounty of grease and potato.  then, on top of that, she put one half of the bun and piles on the chunks of what appear to be steamed chicken.  which she then spills onto the counter and i saw her pause for a moment, wondering if it might be okay to just pile it back on.  she didn’t.  a manager must have been around or something because i’m sure my careful observing eye didn’t matter to her.  so she piles more steamed chicken chunks on the bottom half of the bun and throws on a piece of lettuce and some onions and then oh so carefully hands it back to me.  i go to pay my seven dollars using my nat’s bucks and the idiot kid at the register informs me that since i gave him ten nat’s bucks (two fivers), and my meal only cost seven i will not be receiving any change. 

and i say “that’s fine but you can give me three nat’s bucks from the pile in front of you”

and he says, “no, you can use this but you don’t get change back–its says right here” and he points to the fine print and uses his finger so i can follow along as he reads, “can not be redeemed for cash, no cash change will be given.”

and i say, “oh, i understand, i’m not asking for cash.  but you can give me three nat’s bucks from that pile in front of you.”

and he says, “no, i can’t give you cash cause it says “no cash change…”

and i say, “i’m not retarded, if i gave you ten nat’s bucks, and my sandwich cost seven, then you can give me three of those single nat’s bucks in front of you, i can see them right there, back to me because…10 minus…7…is…three.”

i take my precariously-piled-high sandwich to the condiment counter where i discover that there is no mayonaise anywhere in the ball park.  i ask three different concessions workers and not one can locate a packet of fuckin’ mayo.  “oh, i’m sure it’s somewhere in this park!  just not here!”  says one of them, who actually was nice enough to ask “how may i help you” instead of “whatchoowont?”  so somewhere in the ballpark is a hidden packet of mayo. 

but i can’t eat a dry sandwich so ketchup will do and i think i know how to work those ketchup dispensers.  so there i go, push the lever down and –  a fuckin’ lazer beam of ketchup hits my chicken chunks and knocks them onto the condiment counter. 

my basket goes into the nearest trash and i head over to the miller lite beerpen to announce that i am leaving because i fuckin’ hate this poorly run park.  people calm me down and we laugh about my bad luck with the food here and that makes me feel better (that and a couple of miller lites), so i say, “you know what, i’m just going to use my own money to get a pizza from over there” and so i go try to get a pizza and the two pizzas they have out look like they’ve been sitting out in the sun for three days.  so i say “hi!  do you guys have any fresh pizzas?”

and they say “no, das all we got”

and i say “well, those look kind of like they’ve been sitting around a bit.  i can wait for a fresh one, i don’t mind” i even said that with a smile.  i know!  i fuckin’ smiled at the sonofbitch and not in a mean way either which is what you’re probably thinking. 

and they say, “we can’t do dat, cause who gon’ eat dis one?”

seriously, i’m never going back. 

Dear Nationals Ballpark Food Service and Concessions Manager/Director:

Please stop hiring homeless people and/or those who have yet/were unable to graduate highschool.

Seriously.

Will not be returning.

Thanks

M.

tonight someone at the bar asked me if i was on tv. i said, no. obviously. if i was, or even had been, do you honestly think that i would be here now serving you liquor. ok, maybe. but then he asks if i’m “that guy from the Real World, the alcoholic one” and i’m pretty sure he thinks that i’m this guy:

to which i say NO MA’AM!

first of all…let’s compare to a very recent photo of me with this chick friend Katie:

so, uh, yeah. no. first of all, (check out the tits)  i’m about 10 years older than him. i do not have retarded hair.  there is a fine line between good hair and retarded hair and he has clearly crossed it. also, i am not a raging, violent alcoholic and if i was, then i don’t think it would be a smart move to–like the dude from The Real World–go from AA to JRS. and i would never go on the real world. at least not after season 10 anyway.  go Coral!

this is a picture of the basketball team representing spain in the 2008 olympics. yes, they are making “chinese”eyes (which i found you can also do with scotch tape if you need your hands free for things like flipping off the camera or making gang signs or if you’d like to, oh i don’t know, hold a bowl of rice in one and some chopsticks in another)

and not one of you thought, maybe this isn’t a good idea? no one? anyone?